We Can Do Anything

After the conversation with Dean, Balthazar actually...needs a little while to process it all. The idea of Castiel killing him was a hell of a shock, and yet it was somehow the least of the bombs dropped on him. He goes through all the mortal liquor in his place, then empties the cheesecake out of his freezer and eats it without bothering to thaw it. After that, he feels capable of conversation, at least. Some topics need to be broached, and fast.

He texts Lucifer a brief note: Incoming, darling. I need to talk. And that plus about two seconds is all the warning he gives before flying to his fiance's side. Lucifer has yet to object to him appearing with short notice, after all.

That Balthazar smells more of sugar and scotch than usual might be a sign. He's a little rattled.

A whirlwind romance is a wonderful thing. For Balthazar, there are multiple dimensions of whirlwind. Lucifer and his passion is the main focus, but being accepted and treated as a friend by so many of the angels of his court--not to mention his children--has been almost as compelling. It's all very beautiful, and so much of what Balthazar always hungered for in his own family, that it feels like the proverbial dream come true.

Which is why part of him is waiting for the other shoe to drop, for some sort of catch to show up (as if being aware that Lucifer is going to have a final show-down with God some day wasn't enough of a catch? but Balthazar is able to compartmentalize). Perhaps Moloch sensed this and found the gap in the angel's armor he was looking for, or perhaps it's Balthazar's own uncertainty catching up to him.

Either way, they need to discuss practicalities sooner or later, and not merely live in the joy of mutual emotions.

Lucifer will find his angel on the terrace of the apartment, with a cup of espresso and, incongruously, a bag of gummi worms, nibbling one of the latter slowly. He lights up when Lucifer arrives, smiling, eyes crinkling at the corners, and holds out the bag.

"The red and yellow-ish ones are the best," he tells him.

The river is wide and placid, water a deep greenish-brown from a distance, clearer the closer you get, with patches of whitewater toward the center. The rocks Balthazar has set them on are a small island, more than enough space to house dozens of sunbathers, and surrounded by water weeds on all sides. There are chalk drawings on one of the boulders. Looks like a crude mermaid, a few birds, and several games of tic-tac-toe.

Balthazar looks around to make sure they're alone, and then takes Lucifer's hand and holds it against his chest, looking up into his face. "This should be safer."

His wings are still flared, in that quantum state that hides them from human eyes, but visible to Lucifer once more. If anything, they look slightly fluffier. That's either a response to the energy or some kind of semi-physical reaction to arousal. He's blushing a little, too.

Heaven is sick. Balthazar thinks, in retrospect, he's probably known that for a very long time. Maybe he felt the change in the aether even as it began, and just didn't want to acknowledge it until now. It must have started with Lucifer's Fall, he thinks. The Host was designed as a unit, all brothers and sisters, from the archangels down to the littlest cherub. Once one was lost, maybe it was just a matter of time before others started to collapse like dominoes.

He didn't know any of the archangels well, of course. No one of his rank knew them well, and Balthazar was by and large not very distinctive in the early days of Paradise. He didn't know Lucifer, then, though he mourned his Fall in quiet horror. Gabriel he was able to grieve for more openly; he may have been disloyal, a deserter of his post, but he hadn't rebelled, and that was an important distinction. He didn't know Gabriel that well, either, but he missed him.

Anna's departure was what really hit home. She was his leader; he trusted her, loved her, fought by her side, and watched the Earth turn for millennia. When she was stationed on the Earth, though, he remained in Heaven, guarding and tending the arsenal. In retrospect, he wonders if things would have been different if she'd had more backup. He used to be able to make her laugh. Maybe just that would have made a difference.

All he knows now is, when he saw her Grace streak across the sky, he knew she was dead. If she survived the separation and Fall, she would be hunted, and sooner or later she would be caught.

Damned if he wasn't right. It seems it's only the prelude to things just as bad or worse, too. Castiel is gone, too. Something detonated in the back of Balthazar's head when he heard that news. Castiel was his best friend. He could have mourned him and held firm; he could have mourned Anna and held firm. With both of them lost, he feels like he's got nothing left to hold onto.

Anna may become aware, in her cell in Heaven's prison, of a series of explosions that rock the Axis Mundi. Heavenly weapons, shattering beneath a ringing blast from the shofar that broke Jericho's walls. The guards around her run to see what's happening, leaving her alone in her cell, in this place of cruel and violent light. A moment later, there's a flutter of wings, and Balthazar appears on the opposite side of the bars. There's dark fabric tangled around him; possibly some sort of blessed weapon he stole from the very arsenals that just went up in ethereal flame. It would take that sort of advantage for a low-level angel to slip in here.

"Anna?" He calls softly, placing his hands on the bars. "Sister. Are you hurt?" It's a dumb question, because he's not sure he can get her out whether she's hurt or not. Still, he wants to know.

Heaven's dungeon is a place not of darkness, but of relentless, merciless light. Light that sears and aches in the eyes of even an angel; light that's heavy and solid, like stones poured over an already-bruised body. No one complains or begs mercy, because it's pointless. Forgiveness is for humans, not the Host. And if the wardens are a little too enthusiastic in their task of meting out divine vengeance...well, they're only following orders.

Balthazar knew all this in theory even before being imprisoned here. It was something vaguely discomforting before, just a scary story. Now he's presented with the reality, and he can't help but wonder why God ever allowed this place to be built.

He supposes it makes about as much sense as Hell. Which is to say, not enough.

There are few enough of them there. He was introduced to Gadreel within the first day. Balthazar's not good at tact, unfortunately; his first greeting was something along the lines of 'so this mess is at least partly your fault'.

But he followed that up with: 'well, shit happens. never mind.' And he hasn't mentioned it since.

Today, the wardens aren't doing their usual vicious jobs. Something's up, and tension is high all around. Meekly and quietly, Balthazar creeps through space to Gadreel's side, wings held low and submissive for the benefit of the limited number of guards still present. What he says as he settles in, though, is: "Hello, Brother! I'm bored. Have you ever played twenty questions?"

I'm always just a tiny bit worried about being judged for my musical choices, since I'm not really one of the cool kids. But I decided to share anyway. This is the music that feeds my portrayal of Balthazar, for the most part. I've linked youtube vids in case anyone wants a listen, but they're not necessarily the official videos, so just ignore the visuals.

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The hardest thing about playing the angel is the way he treads the love-hate line with everyone else in his canon. It makes every first time thread I have with any castmate delicate, because I need A) to keep Balthazar in character and B) not kill the interaction by means of him being a total jackass. Now, my inclination in RP is to always err on the side of the character being too nice, because…that’s me and I’m a people pleaser. But you can only go so far that way with Balthazar before he turns into a big drunken woobie who’s mooning around after Cas, and I’d be doing a disservice to the character if I let myself play that (it’d be fun, though).

The fundamental element of Balthazar’s personality that I focus on is his ability to love. Not ‘love’ like flowers and hearts and romance, but love like ‘I think you’re doing literally the dumbest thing you could be doing right now, but I’m with you anyway’. I wish like hell there was more canon of him and Castiel interacting (not to mention Balthazar and ANY OTHER angel), because I’d love to hear the conversation when he and Cas decided to use the Winchesters as a diversion so they could retrieve the Heavenly arsenal. Or when they decided to unsink the Titanic. It’s easy to chalk it all up to Balthazar being a loose cannon (and oh god is he a loose cannon), but somehow I don’t think either of these gambits were completely his idea. In the Titanic episode, especially, he comes off as slightly edgy about the whole thing, both when he talks to the boys and later when he sneaks up behind Atropos. There may not be any rules any more, per se, but there’s still a chance of backlash, and he can see that.

His relationship with Castiel is really just a slightly more intense version of the way he relates to all his family members. They’re important by virtue of being his siblings; the most important things he can imagine. In an ideal world, there would be balance in the host and the knowledge that they’re all loved and needed and connected, but the more Heaven breaks down, the more disconnected Balthazar becomes from his siblings, and his Father by extension. Seeing them leave was heartbreaking (and he resents Gabriel and Anna, in particular, for deserting him, although he may never say it in so many words), but watching the ones that stay start killing one another is even worse. So by the time we see him all disco-ed up in The Third Man, he’s really hit the skids. Imagine the mix of courage and despair it must take to strike out at the last living and free archangel, and then multiply it by the guts it would take to burn a bridge back to Heaven by hurting an older brother he genuinely loves.

When I first started playing him, the romantic in me really wanted to chalk everything he does up to him just being in love with Castiel, and I do still play him as attached to Cas particularly, in a way that really isn’t healthy for either of them, but especially for Balthazar. But I’ve come to feel there’s more going on in Balthazar’s head than just a crush on another angel. Certainly there would have been opportunities before Castiel left Heaven, if Balthazar wanted him, to speak up and try to do a little cloud-seeding. I don’t think it’s that simple. I think Cas is his closest sibling, that he admires his courage and devotion to a higher ideal, and because of that he’s come to see him as a microcosm of what the Heavenly family could be/should be. I think this is also why he chose Cas over Raphael. Every slight from Cas hurts because Balthazar feels it as a rejection from the entire Host, and he can deal with that and move on; the Host is flawed, he knows that by now.

He’s furious when Castiel supports the Winchesters’ right to question Balthazar over his freedom from a blatant threat of painful fiery death, but when he gets out of that, he’s happy to focus his anger on Sam and Dean, not on Castiel. He makes excuses for Cas because he’s his brother.

The break happens in ‘Let it Bleed’. That conversation in the woods is deceptively simple but by the end of it, Castiel has implicitly threatened to kill his brother, and Balthazar knows he’s killed Rachel, thus proving Castiel is no better than the rest of the Host. Maybe in some ways he’s even more flawed.

Destiny and free will are pointless illusions, and all that’s left for God’s angels is extinction by their own hands. He has yet to see this conclusion disproven. He has yet to be shown that he’s anything more than disposable to his siblings, in fact, but he keeps coming back for more, because while he was able to leave Heaven physically, he can’t actually let it go.

[Player information]
Player Name: Bridgie
Age: 33
E-mail: BridgieRey@verizon.net
Other characters played at Cape Kore: None

[Character information]
Name: Balthazar
Canon: Supernatural
Canon Point: At the end of 6.21 “Let it Bleed”
Age: 500 million, give or take a few epochs.

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