IC Contact

[tryingitall]

You've reached the voice mail box for the angel Balthazar.  Sorry I missed your call!
Well... actually, that depends who you are.  I may have deliberately missed your call, in which case I won't get back to you unless you have a really good reason I should make the attempt.  So, I advise you to make a list of potential bribes when you leave your message.  If I want to talk to you, I won't need them.

...Beep.
 

Comments

[sohoangel]

"Hello, Balthazar. This is Aziraphale. It's come to my attention that Lucifer, one that is not from your world, nor mine, has been visiting the Nexus. I've already let Crowley know, and I wanted to give you warning as well."

A significant pause follows.

"Apparently, Lucifer has been... fraternizing... with an angel in the Nexus. It isn't me, obviously. Would you happen to know anything about this? Please get back to me at your earliest convenience."

Click.

[tryingitall]

Um...

Oh.

Well. Shit.

He actually meant to bring this up to Aziraphale and Crowley, if only to reassure them that the Lucifer he's met in the Nexus won't have any interest in hurting them or starting Armageddon. Technically, Lucifer is a being beyond Balthazar's ken; he's really only a standard-issue rank and file angel, or so he thinks, but for whatever reason he's been given a glimpse of what's within the heart of the Morningstar, and lived. He wouldn't trust any other world's version as far as he could throw them, but this one he's sure of.

What he's not sure of is how to broach the topic of 'yes, I've slept with him, plan to do it again, and have given him the key to my apartment'. Oof.

And as fluffy and sweet and incapable of aggression as Aziraphale seems to him, there's a part of him that feels a chill of fear and hurt. Is he going to have to watch another brother--cousin---whatever....turn on him?

He dials the number, cancels it. Starts to text him, pauses and erases several messages. Drinks two thirds of a bottle of bourbon. Dials again.

"Hello! Got your message." He sounds aggressively cheery.

[sohoangel]

While he waits for a return call, Aziraphale finishes closing up shop, makes himself a cup of cocoa, and worries. He's gotten very good at worrying over the past 6000 years, he can do it alongside just about any other task, it barely slows him down.

His primary worry is Balthazar's safety, if the angel has indeed struck up a close relationship with Lucifer, physical or otherwise. The Lucifer that Belial described is not the hulking, horned monstrosity of his world, but Aziraphale is certain that he is as powerful, if not more so. He could snuff Balthazar out like a candle, not even intentionally, but through sheer recklessness.

There is also the inherent wrongness of Lucifer involving himself with an angel. And yes, maybe that's a little hypocritical of Aziraphale to think so, but. Look. It's Lucifer. The first Fallen. He didn't saunter vaguely downwards, and he sure as hell didn't Fall because he asked a few questions.

But, maybe he's worrying for nothing. Maybe there is some other angel in the Nexus foolish enough to leave his scent on Lucifer. When he answers the phone and hears Balthazar's cheery voice, he lets himself hope that it might be the case, after all.

"Oh, Balthazar. Hello." He sighs in relief. "Good to finally hear back from you. How are you? Are you safe?"

[tryingitall]

Balthazar is way above his pay grade, and knows it, but at this point he's more afraid of what might happen to Lucifer than to himself. The worst that can happen to him is annihilation, after all. Who cares? He's convinced his world is circling the drain, anyway. If this winds up with him going before it does, it's no big loss.

Aziraphale's tone relieves him some. That's worry, not anger or disgust. That doesn't mean anger won't come later, but it's a relatively auspicious start.

"I'm fine, love," he answers with a little laugh, the endearment meant with genuine platonic affection. "I'm safe. Completely unscathed. I'm sorry, I actually meant to let you know about Lucifer in the Nexus before. I just got distracted and...well."

There's a pause, and then, "Look, let's just get this over with. Yes, I slept with him."

[sohoangel]

Aziraphale stays silent all through Balthazar's staggered reply. There is a small sound of dismay at the confirmation of his worries, and then a long, audible sigh. "Oh, Balthazar. Have you lost your mind? That's Lucifer! First Fallen! What were you thinking? Were you thinking? He could kill you without a thought!"

There's no anger, only a veneer of irritation that doesn't mask the deep, deep worry in his voice. Perhaps a bit of a disappointment, too, like when one hears that their friend has once again hooked up with a malignant ex. This is Lucifer! Balthazar may be a hedonist, but this is well beyond the pale.

"I had to hear about this from his High Chancellor, by the way. Hell is all in a tizzy about it."

[tryingitall]

There's a long silence as Balthazar tries to wrap his brain around this. He feels like he's being scolded by a kindergarten teacher, and it's so strange. Every time he talks to another angel in the Nexus, whether Lucifer and Belial or Aziraphale and Crowley, it's just driven home further to him how peculiar his world is. Funny, he'd have thought meeting so many other angels in such a short while would make him feel more normal and less isolated, but it's proving to be more the opposite.

"He's not going to kill me," he says after a moment. "The real concern is who else he might kill if something bad happens to me."

"He's not going to hurt you or Crowley, either. I already asked him not to terrorize you two, and it sounds like he wouldn't have anyway. He's not like the Lucifer in my world."

[sohoangel]

Aziraphale is, in fact, scolding him. It's what he does when someone he cares about does something egregiously dangerous. Good grief, this is like the business with Crowley and the holy water all over again.

"No, the real concern is you. At least to me it is! He may not hurt you intentionally, but there are countless unintentional ways that this can come to a bad end." Balthazar is the first and only angel that he's ever felt he's had anything in common with. An angel who makes him feel like perhaps there is nothing wrong with him, that it is okay to want to enjoy the things that humans enjoy, that it doesn't make him weak or failing in moral character. The last thing he wants is to see his friend go down in flames because of his own proclivities.

He keeps quiet for a long moment after Balthazar's reassurances. It's touching to know that Balthazar thought to protect his celestial friends. He wishes that Balthazar put that same sort of care towards himself.

"He's not like the Lucifer in my world, either," he admits after a quiet sigh. "Otherwise I'd really be questioning your judgement." Another pause follows, and then in a less scolding tone, he asks, "When you... slept with him... was this merely a physical dalliance? Or something else?"

[tryingitall]

Balthazar is several hundred million years old and he can't recall ever being this confused in his life. "You're worried about me. You're worried about me?"

No, no, he actually got that part already, what's throwing him are the nuances of that worry. Not 'your Grace will be corrupted and then you'll have to be executed' or 'you're helping the enemy of God' or anything like that. Just 'I don't want you hurt'? The real concern is you. At least to me it is!

"Where are you?" He asks. "Are you in the Nexus? Can I come see you?" This is either going to be better discussed face to face or a thousand times worse, but Balthazar's banking on better.

[sohoangel]

"Of course I am," Aziraphale replies, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. "Why wouldn't I be? Have I given you the impression that I don't care about your well-being?"

Now there are two confused angels. Perhaps discussing this in person is the better choice. "I'm in my bookshop currently, but I just closed shop. You can come here, or I can meet you somewhere, whichever you prefer."

[tryingitall]

That question demands either several minutes' worth of response or none at all, and since Balthazar is hoping a face to face conversation will clear things up, he just skips over the response for now.

"I'll come there," he says. There's a pause and then he adds, inexplicably, "I wish you could have met my sister. She'd have liked you."

And then he hangs up.

There's a lull of a few minutes as he locates the right world, but once that's managed he zeroes in on Aziraphale quickly enough. The lights in the bookstore flicker wildly for a moment, one of the streetlamps sparks briefly, and then in a flutter of wings he's there in a corner of the room, looking around curiously.

[sohoangel]

Aziraphale is left staring at his smartphone after Balthazar hangs up. What was that. all about? He sighs and sets the device down, then uses a small miracle to reheat the cocoa in his angel wing mug.

And then another miracle to add some Irish cream to it. He has a feeling he'll need it.

The flickering lights are new; angels on his world don't appear with much fanfare. (Unless, that is, they want to.) Balthazar appears in the back room of the bookshop, a cozy space consisting of a desk and a few pieces of comfortable furniture from the Victorian era. There is a gramophone, as well as a popcorn maker for some reason.

"Hello, Balthazar." Aziraphale still looks worried, but he's calmed himself enough that he can be a proper host. "Please, have a seat. Can I get you something to drink?"

[tryingitall]

Balthazar can tamp down on his fanfare just enough to keep from setting off sparks indoors. It's worse when he's actively magically summoned, but since he's arriving voluntarily he's made a point of causing minimal disruption.

He can smell the pleasant scent of old bookbindings and paper as soon as he lands, and a look of quiet satisfaction flickers across his face. This is a comfortable space, and even if his tastes tend more toward pure hedonism, and newer styles of furniture, it feels nice. "It's exactly the sort of room I pictured you in, to be honest," he says.

The shadows of his wings flicker on the wall and fade as he folds them up tight. And he takes a seat obediently, sprawling a little, but less indolent and casual than usual.

"I'm all right for the moment. I emptied a bottle of Four Roses before I came over."

"Let me ask you something, Aziraphale, are the angels here...telepathically linked, for lack of better terminology? I've heard humans call it Angel Radio, which doesn't sum it up completely but I rather like it. Just...when I was in good standing in Heaven, there was always background chatter. Work-related, but informal enough that opinions and ideas were passed back and forth that way, too. Do you have that?"

[sohoangel]

Aziraphale can't help but blush a little at Balthazar's comment, a smile turning up the corners of his mouth despite his current mood. He's worked hard to create a space for himself that reflects his preferences. "I can give you a tour of the shop later, if you like."

But first, they really ought to talk. He takes a sip of his cocoa, thinking that a bottle of Four Roses isn't a terribly bad idea right now.

The question surprises him. He shakes his head, vaguely horrified by the idea. How would he and Crowley ever gotten a single moment of peace if something like that existed in his world? "No, we're not. I suppose we could find a way to communicate telepathically, if we chose to, but it would take a great deal of focus. Even in Heaven, we simply spoke to one another. Or sent memos."

[tryingitall]

"I'd like that very much," he says, and there's something of relief in his smile. This is going to be a weird conversation, but perhaps less of an argument than he feared.

Nodding at the answer, there's a flicker of amusement in his eyes at how disturbed Aziraphale seems to be by the idea. "It's funny, I just took it for granted that you would. It's been such a huge part of what makes the Host what they are, where I come from."

"You know, I think your world is younger than mine, but you've been working independently for so long, I'm not sure I can fully comprehend what that's like. It's been nearly two years since I left Heaven, and cut myself off from the rest of the angels, and after hundreds of millions of years with all my siblings whispering in my ears, the silence was absolutely deafening at first."

"I'm better adapted now, but still. I love the Earth, and I love humans...most of the time, but I will always crave the company of other angels. Back home, I can't approach most of them because they will kill me. Or worse. But in the Nexus, I don't care who's Fallen or not. Actually, there's an advantage with Fallen types because they've really no room to judge my choices."

"So...yes, cozying up to Lucifer is probably the dumbest thing I've ever done, just based on the power differential. You're actually completely correct, and it's possible he could just sneeze the wrong way and blow me straight to Kingdom Come, but I don't think it's likely. If he were careless with his power, he wouldn't be surrounded by as many Fallen as he seems to be. If he were as malevolent as you and I've got every reason to suspect he'd be, he wouldn't have wandered around Coney Island with me and let me drag him into a ball pit in the Funhouse."

"I don't think I have much to lose, ultimately, but since you do...err, well, I can't ask you to trust my judgment since I have none, but give him the benefit of the doubt until you've talked with him a little?"

[sohoangel]

Even before Balthazar explains why he asked about a telepathic connection, Aziraphale has a sense of where he's going with it. The angel had expressed his loneliness before, and Aziraphale understands. Empathizes with it, to a certain extent. Heaven can be very lonely for an angel who is too soft to fight, who would rather give his sword away to the poor humans and make polite conversation with the demon who tempted them.

But Aziraphale has never been truly alone. He's always had Crowley. It'd never occur to him to court the affections of a fallen angel because he's had Crowley's affection, from the very beginning.

(Platonic affection, he corrects himself automatically.)

The comment on judging others for their choices makes him wince unconsciously. But at least Balthazar acknowledges his fears. And he still has them, the power differential chief among them. He lets Balthazar finish uninterrupted, then takes another long sip of his spiked cocoa while he considers what to say in return.

"...I can do that," he says finally. "I already intended to, anyway, after speaking with his High Chancellor. I suppose if I am to be on civil terms with a Lucifer, the Nexus is the most appropriate place for it." He purses his lips before adding, "But will you at least try to be careful? I mean, if you're going to be so close to him, there are likely precautions that you can ask him to take..."

Aziraphale can be oblivious at times, but even he realizes that he sounds like he's about to give Balthazar The Talk, and he awkwardly clears his throat. "I... ah. I don't want you to get hurt. Or worse. You're the only unfallen angel I can currently -- I could ever -- call a friend."

[tryingitall]

He wasn't trying to call Aziraphale out with that comment about judgment, oddly enough. Frequently he has a present-company-excepted approach when expressing his own complaints to begin with, but he's also got a constant awareness that he's marked for execution by the Host in his world. At least as long as Raphael is in charge. That's the kind of judgment he meant. The very active and lethal kind, from which he is in no danger from Aziraphale.

"Ah, you spoke to Belial?" He nods. "Interesting fellow. He seems so calm, and yet not without a sense of humor. Honestly, a bit like Raphael used to be when I was very young...but I won't be telling him that, and I hope you won't repeat it."

His brows quirk at the idea of precautions, as if he's very tempted indeed to ask Aziraphale to clarify whether he means condoms or what. A smirk hovers around his mouth for a moment, but he manages to refrain from being a smartass, nodding sheepishly. "He's going to do some fireproofing in my flat."

He's just as glad not to have been a jerk when the other angel speaks again. Ow, his heart! He looks as though he's not at all sure what to say. Partly, he's wondering, analyzing, whether the same might be true of himself to a greater degree than he'd have thought. Everything was duty, before he left. He knows he loved his siblings, knows he had and has his favorites, but it's hard to know what they ever thought, or felt.

He reaches over to clasp Aziraphale's hands in his. "Thank you."

[sohoangel]

"I did. We had a very civil conversation, which would never have happened on my own world." It's what makes him willing to believe that this Lucifer is also not a wholly malignant being. The comparison to Raphael has him raising an eyebrow. "No, I don't intend to repeat it. Raphael is..." He trails off, as if finding the question difficult to answer. "...well, I don't know where he is. Nobody talks about him Upstairs."

His expression slips into one of relief when Balthazar switches the conversation to that of fireproofing. Yep, that's exactly what Aziraphale was referring to, no other meanings, unintentional or otherwise, need to be inferred. "That's a good start," he says simply, before casting a guilty look around. "My bookshop burned down once, before Adam -- former anti-christ -- reset everything. An ordinary fire, but Hellfire would have caused similar damage."

Aziraphale's hands are warm, as they always are, but especially so after being wrapped around his mug of cocoa. It's obvious to him that he's touched Balthazar in some way; the gratitude and the fact that they are genuine friends make him smile. One of his especially bright ones, and he's nearly forgotten to be anxious about the whole reason Balthazar came over in the first place. He's sufficiently reassured. For now, anyway.

"Shall I give you tour now? It won't take long."

[tryingitall]

Balthazar looks at him thoughtfully. "Sometimes the things no one talks about Upstairs are the most important secrets to know. But don't let me tell you what to worry about. I think it's a full time job just maintaining one's own life and giving a little blessing here and there."

And then, just like that, they're moving away from heavy drama and back into light, friendly chatter. Balthazar takes a second to marvel at that, profoundly grateful. They both need this; they both need a friend. He breaks into a sunny, golden smile and nods, getting up. "Absolutely! And remind me to show you my flat in the Nexus some time, as well. You could also come visit my gallery in my own world some time, but we'd have to plan ahead a bit. I wouldn't want you to walk into anything...awkward."

Like a consultation with Castiel, or one of Raphael's loyalists coming to chase him down. Maybe he should have a showing. Other angels are far less likely to drop in when there's a big gathering of humans, and he could have Aziraphale or Crowley or both visit.

Maybe not Lucifer, though. He can't imagine any way he could sneak Lucifer into his world. He'd light the place up like the fucking Rockefeller Center, and if anyone started something, he'd finish it.

[sohoangel]

"That's true," he says tentatively. He once would have argued that Upstairs likely had its reasons for keeping certain information discreet, but he knows better now. It's a lot to think about, too much, in fact, so when Balthazar drops the subject, so does he.

Besides, he has a tour to give! He stands up as well, tugging down his waistcoat. Balthazar might notice that he's exchanged his usual white jacket for a cardigan the color of oatmeal. This is his idea of relaxed wear, although he still has on his bowtie.

"That sounds lovely, Balthazar. Let me know when it's convenient for me to visit your Nexus flat, and the gallery. Crowley and I are planning a long weekend on Alpha Centauri, but otherwise I'm available." A pause, and then he asks, "Ah, if you are sure that it's safe for me to visit your world?" He can easily imagine how difficult it would be to explain the presence of an angel not from his world. Come to think of it, that's something he should have thought of before inviting Balthazar here... ah, well, it's no matter. Aziraphale is probably in a better position with Balthazar here, should Gabriel pay an unexpected visit, which he doubts he will.

Without further ado, he leads Balthazar to the front of the shop. It looks exactly as one might expect from an antique bookshop in downtown London, with a maze of shelves, books tucked into every available nook and cranny. He points out the rotunda on the second floor, marked with cardinal points. Aziraphale's front desk sits under the 'E', a touch more organized than the one in the back. There are a few knick-knacks on the shelf above it, as well as the teddy bear that Crowley won Aziraphale at the Nexus carnival.

"Well, there you have it," Aziraphale says, once he's shown Balthazar about. "I've kept it running for over two centuries."

[tryingitall]

Balthazar seems to always wear more or less the same sort of outfit. The colors of the v-neck vary, but it's always dark jeans, a knit shirt, a blazer. There's always a necklace, a silver chain, but chances are Aziraphale hasn't seen the pendant yet, because it's always beneath the neckline of the shirt. He wears a nice watch, which he never looks at, and he has a ring on the pinky of his right hand and the index finger of his left. Nothing too flashy, oddly enough, though they're probably platinum or white gold.

"I've got a little warding to do," he says, "and I ought to stock the kitchen better if I'm going to be having guests, but I'll let you know. Perhaps I should get a gaming system or something that we could all play."

Balthazar, no. Crowley playing Mario Kart is a catastrophe waiting to happen.

"As far was whether it's safe...well, more or less, I would think? The place isn't going to blow up imminently, and while I'm certainly a wanted criminal, as it were, I'm no one's top priority."

Story of his life, really. "So, no one's watching me close enough to wonder why I've another angel or two with me. With the possible exception of Castiel, who wouldn't harm you or Crowley. Embarrass me, yes. Hurt you, no."

He looks around curiously, enjoying the tour. He's not a literary fanatic, generally speaking, with only an average appetite for books, but there's something about an old bookstore that's compelling. Plus this one has been Aziraphale's nest, so to speak, for a long while. "No one's questioned that it's been the same place for that long?"

[sohoangel]

"I've had to be a little creative with the warding here," Aziraphale informs him as part of the tour. "Crowley is always welcome, but I'd never want another demon strolling in here as they please. I'm not sure what to do about the other angels. And apparently if my shop is open, vampires can visit, too. Of course, I didn't even know vampires were real until a few months ago. Turns out this old angel can still be surprised now and again."

A stocked kitchen sounds like a good idea to Aziraphale, although the phrase "gaming system" leaves him looking a little confused. He knows what video games are, but the terminology is beyond him. "Very considerate of you," he says finally. He'd probably get a kick out of watching Crowley play a video game, even if the swearing is inevitable.

It's reassuring enough for him that Balthazar has been flying under the radar. He raises his eyebrows at the mention of Castiel. "Oh, I doubt he could embarrass you in front of me," he says demurely, there's a touch of sass there in the way he smiles and looks away for a brief moment. After the bombshell of finding out that Balthazar is sleeping with Lucifer, he sincerely doubts that his sensibilities could be shocked any harder than that.

It is something of a nest, isn't it? Aziraphale has lined it with all his favorite things, his own little heaven on Earth. "My dear, that is how it is in London. I may be the oldest thing here, but my store certainly isn't it. I've had to be a bit creative so that humans don't wonder why each consecutive owner looks so similar to one previous to him, but I've waved it away by saying that the Fells have a very strong family resemblance."

[tryingitall]

"I don't know if Enochian warding from my world will work in yours, but if you'd like to experiment, I'm willing to collaborate. If it does work, there are some tricks that might come in handy for you, actually. Banishing sigils, summonings, spells. I've made a study of them."

"You're rather fortunate on the vampire front if you've got the sort that can control themselves enough to stroll through a town of dinners on legs," he says dryly. "Most of ours can't manage it, though some do try."

He opens his mouth to ramble about Castiel further, but the tone in Aziraphale's voice catches his attention and he gives him a look of blended amusement and incredulity. "Aziraphale. Did you learn to be passive-aggressive from humanity, or did you teach them how in the first place?" He asks, eyes sparkling.

(Although, let's be real, he's delighted to be called 'my dear', even if it's just a habit of speech.)

[sohoangel]

Now there's a language name that Aziraphale has not heard mentioned in quite some time. He smiles at the prospect. "I'd like to try that sometime. I don't suppose you know of any summoning circles that don't leave an open portal? I had a spot of trouble with that once." Understatement of the year, but he's still a little embarrassed about how he discorporated himself.

"You have vampires, too?" Nasty ones, it sounds like. He shakes his head a little. "Toby speaks very poorly of other vampires, but he is not the type to attack anyone. I'm not terribly concerned, I can't be charmed and my aura would destroy one if it tried to attack me. But some general warding wouldn't hurt."

He blushes when Balthazar calls him out. "I don't know what you're talking about," he says primly, before pausing and answering honestly, "Might be a bit of both. I didn't mean it as an insult, my apologies if it came across that way." Sarcasm is a second language to him, but he only uses it with friends as a sign of endearment, as he does with calling someone 'my dear', although that applies more broadly.

[tryingitall]

"Well, there are some very specific ones that won't allow any being that doesn't match their parameters to pass," Balthazar says, expression falling into less cheeky lines than normal as he thinks over the question. "It depends what you're summoning, really. One could build in some time limits, though, so the circle would snap shut after a given amount of minutes or hours. That sort of thing can be circumvented; there are loopholes in everything, but I'm sure I could make it work on a basic level at least."

Balthazar is neither pedantic nor much of an intellectual, but he does enjoy a bit of magic now and then. The prospect of a project is not unpleasant.

"Oh, vampires can be unpleasant enough where I'm from, but they're no danger to an angel. None of the monster-types are, and neither are most of the demons. Witchcraft done very cleverly can harm us, but short of a white-eyed demon or a Knight of Hell, we're quite durable."

The prim commentary coupled with the blush just makes Balthazar laugh. "No, no, I quite like it. I'd best keep you well away from Castiel; he does that sort of thing, too. Ninety percent of the time he's all seriousness and purity, and then he'll drop a sass bomb when you least expect it."

[sohoangel]

"This particular circle was for contacting God," Aziraphale elaborates. "Not summoning in the sense of bringing Her to me, of course, more like a... video call?" Is that what they're called? "But I'd rather not leave the line open, as it were."

It does beg the question if the magic of angels from different universes is compatible at all, but they can deal with that as they go. If the whole thing turns out to be a bust, at least Aziraphale tried, and he would have spent the time in good company.

"A white-eyed demon?" he repeats curiously. "Crowley had to answer to a Duke of Hell on occasion." His nose wrinkles as he remembers finally meeting Hastur. What an unsavory fellow. Aziraphale almost feels sorry for him.

Aziraphale's mouth quirks into a smile. "It sounds as though we have a bit in common," he remarks, "Maybe Castiel needs that sort of outlet on occasion. Heaven's work culture can be stifling."

[tryingitall]

Balthazar sputters out a laugh at the idea of summoning God, shaking his head vehemently. "Definitely not quite the same thing. I might be able to come up with something that would work, but whether God wants to pick up at the other end or not is up to Him. Or Her. They. Why do we even use pronouns for God in the first place?"

Either way, it sounds like a fun project, if one with a potential for backlash. Count Balthazar in.

"They have different eye colors, where I come from," he says with a grimace. "Depending on power level, age, and details of alignment. There are some exceptions, but crossroads demons tend to have red eyes. Most of the rank and file aside from that are black-eyed. A bit more powerful, a lot more violent. The Knights of Hell had black eyes, too; they're all accounted for except one. The Princes of Hell have yellow eyes. They're reported dead. There've only been a few white-eyed demons. One was Alistair, Hell's torturer and inquisitor. The other I know of was Lilith, and she was the first. Ever."

"I did mention they're just damaged human souls where I come from? Even Lilith. The stories about Adam having a first wife have some truth to them. I'm not clear on whether our Lucifer tempted her or abducted her, or even if she went right to him, but whatever the case, she was unquestionably the most vicious creature in Hell. Gone now, but I saw her on the battlefield once, thousands of years ago." He shudders.

"Tell you what, your Crowley is a breath of fresh air after you've seen something like that. I hope you never see one of our demons."

[sohoangel]

"She didn't last time," Aziraphale admits with a small pout. "I got Her press secretary, Metatron." He's still put out about that. He knows that he's no archangel, but he had thought his call was rather pertinent, at the time. It hurt a little to be fed the party line and brushed off afterwards. Although if he hadn't, perhaps he wouldn't have finally shrugged off Heaven's dogma and made up with Crowley...

As for pronouns, he shrugs a little, unconcerned. "My god prefers those pronouns, which is why I use them. Although I suppose She doesn't have too strong of a preference, or she would have corrected the humans a long time ago."

Aziraphale listens with keen interest to the demonology of Balthazar's world. "Yes, you told me about the damaged human souls. We don't have a Lilith that I'm aware of, or if there is a demon named Lilith, she hasn't done much of note. We have the same stories about her being Adam's first wife, but they're untrue. It was always Adam and Eve."

He would know; he was there from the beginning.

Mention of Crowley brings an automatic smile to his face. "He's a breath of fresh air compared to the demons on my world, as well. There's no correlation between eye color and rank; Hastur has black eyes and is a duke, but Beelzebub is higher ranking than him and has completely normal eyes. Crowley has yellow eyes, which you might not have noticed behind his glasses. They're serpent eyes, and I'm sure you can guess why, but they aren't off-putting at all like other demons. In fact, I daresay there's nothing off-putting about him at all, unless he's genuinely trying to scare a human."

He lets out a soft, involuntary sigh without meaning to while he thinks about Crowley's appearance. No, not off-putting at all. Quite the opposite, in fact.

[tryingitall]

"Oh. Well if She has a preference, it's only polite to use that. Ours has always called Himself our Father, so it's a bit disorienting. Then again, He hasn't acted at all like a Father so perhaps I ought to stick with yours." Bitter? A little bit, yeah.

"You know, no one's seen our Metatron since God left," he begins thoughtfully, but gets distracted by Aziraphale's change in expression when he speaks of Crowley. His eyebrows go up, and he listens, bemused and smiling faintly.

"You're absolutely smitten. You do know that, don't you?" It's a blunt way to point out the truth, but maybe the way Balthazar's smiling--friendly, rather than trolling--will help.

[sohoangel]

"That's only a title humans use here. Not that we ever refer to Her as our Mother, although I suppose She technically is..." Kind of an absentee mother, but Aziraphale is not one to voice such thoughts aloud. If he has any bitterness, it's towards Heaven, not God Herself.

He tilts his head curiously at yet another difference between their worlds. "No? Well, I suppose if God left, then Metatron wouldn't have much to do." But where would he go off to? Furthermore, where would God go off to?

Further speculation will have to wait, because Balthazar's commentary quite effectively shuts him down.

"...smitten?"

He stares at the other angel with wide eyes as if he's been caught out in a deep, dark secret. He smiles nervously, cheeks coloring in embarrassment as his gaze darts around the room, his hands twisting at one another. "My dear boy, you misinterpret my words. Crowley is -- that is, he's a dear friend and I care for him deeply, but we're not -- I'm not --" He breathes deep and shudders on the exhale. "I'm not meant to feel such things."

[tryingitall]

Balthazar thinks it's probably best he not talk about his impressions of the God of his world. For one thing, it's cosmologically bizarre to him to think about alternate versions of the Creator of all things. There is something not right there, and the possible explanations leave him unsettled. He's not a fan of talking about it with Lucifer, either, but at least he and Lucifer share a certain level of cynicism that Aziraphale doesn't have. But for another thing, the events around him have left him to conclude the Father of his world either ditched the Host completely or is pulling puppet strings in the background and waiting for them to call kill one another. The idea of an Ineffable Plan is not comforting to him.

And yet, somehow he's not really Fallen or Corrupted. What's that say about his universe?

Nothing nearly so interesting as the look in the other angel's eyes and the sudden blush at he repeats the word 'smitten'. Oh, goodness. He really didn't know. Or maybe he didn't want to know. Balthazar's expression softens, eyes warm and bright; there's some amusement there, because he can't help but think this is adorable, but he's not going to deliberately tease too hard.

"Yes you are. Love is for everyone. I don't care what the other angels have told you; it's as much for us as anything in Creation can be."

[sohoangel]

Aziraphale has the advantage of a lifetime of books with stories involving gods (the big G and little g versions). You read Paradise Lost or Dante's Divine Comedy enough times -- or even religious texts that claim to be accurate but never truly are -- and talking about alternate versions of the Creator, Heaven, and Hell, is not a big deal as it could be. It can be uncomfortable at times, and especially if it uncomfortable for Balthazar, he's more than willing to drop the subject entirely.

Besides, he has quite a different subject on his mind now.

"I know that," he says, a touch crossly, his eyebrows knitting together as he continues to fret. Oh, oh, dear. Balthazar is not the first person to comment (or make assumptions) on his feelings for Crowley, but those have been easy enough to brush aside. Even Toby, who is way too invested in Aziraphale and Crowley's personal affairs. But this is another angel -- another angel who is currently romantically (and sexually, can't forget that) with a fallen angel. It is so much more difficult to ignore his own muddled feelings when speaking to Balthazar.

"I'm not saying this because of Heaven's Doctrine, or because Crowley's a demon, or whatever else." He glances at Balthazar anxiously. "I know you said you didn't need a drink -- or more of a drink, rather -- but I do, if I'm going to discuss this with you. Will you excuse me a moment?"

[tryingitall]

Balthazar's inclination is to laugh at the cross look. How many times has he had conversations like this with Castiel, needling him to force him to loosen up, stop worrying about duty for thirty seconds and enjoy Creation? There's a twitch of his lips and a glimmer in his eyes, but he's also observant enough to catch an undertone here. Some matter beyond Heavenly propriety is at stake here, and his amusement eases into attentiveness even before Aziraphale begins to clarify.

"Of course," he says, comparatively gently. "Believe it or not I'm not just trying to make you uncomfortable, but--well, even we have limits to the time we get on Earth."

He nods and gestures as if to give his permission for Aziraphale to go get whatever he needs to drink. He'll stay where he is unless told otherwise, looking around with hands in his jacket pockets.

[sohoangel]

"Not just," he repeats with a small huff, mild annoyance badly covering up his frayed nerves as he jaunts off to his wine cellar, located down a short flight of stairs off the back room of the bookshop. He could easily miracle a bottle of something to the front of the store, but he needs the time to get his thoughts in order. That's the story of his life, really, he always needs a little bit more time, just another minute or day or decade to decide what to do, what to say --

He looks over the wines, thinks to himself a polite version of 'screw it' and heads back up, grabbing a bottle of Crown Royal whiskey and a pair of tumblers. He pours himself a glass, neat, and leaves the other empty but obviously there should Balthazar change his mind.

He takes a sip, clears his throat of the burn, and only then looks up at Balthazar again. "As I've already explained to you, angels on this world do not inhabit human vessels. These bodies are made specifically for us, and they are sexless, unless we wish to make an Effort. Well... I have made an Effort at various times, but only to blend in with humanity. Public bathing was popular for a time, and certain cuts of trousers don't fall properly unless you -- well, anyway. Only once, I've made an Effort because... because. There was a human who fancied me, and I... I thought perhaps I fancied him, so I thought, well, why not?"

He drops his gaze, his voice laced with disappointment and regret as he continues. "He kissed me and... no. No, it was all wrong. I realized that I had made a terrible mistake. That... that sort of love wasn't for me. Which is fine! Works out perfectly as I probably shouldn't have been doing it in the first place."

[tryingitall]

Oh damn, he really does need to introduce Aziraphale to Castiel. That insight into Balthazar's personality after such a short acquaintance is a little shocking. He blinks, looks genuinely sheepish, and shrugs helplessly.

He's a troll, he admits it. He's a well-meaning troll, for the most part, especially where his friends are concerned, but he's definitely not above making them uncomfortable.

Actually, it makes him think about Cas a little bit while Aziraphale's gone. Maybe he hasn't approached him quite right. It drives him quite mad that Castiel has fallen so dearly in love with the Winchesters--particularly how he's attached to the ruder and more obnoxious of the two--although at the same time, it's nice to see him coming out of himself, changing. Everything is changing. Maybe all the changes aren't for the worse. There's no way to know if Balthazar himself isn't willing to try a slightly altered approach.

He finds a seat when Aziraphale comes back, and something in his body language has shifted. He's quieter, more serious, trying his very best to listen without teasing.

The comment about the cut of trousers not fitting properly almost ruins his composure--he understands, he does, but that's legit funny--but after a cough of amusement he recovers. And he's glad he did.

"Aziraphale," he breathes. "You know, that was terribly brave of you, to try it out, not even knowing whether you'd like it or not. I mean, I wasn't sure at first whether I'd enjoy it, either, but--well, obviously I took to sex like a fish to water. Probably a bit too fond of it, if I'm honest with myself."

"In any case, what I really want is for you to make your own decision, regardless of what you think the will of Heaven might be. As long as you're really doing that, I've no quarrel. But I'm reasonably sure you don't have to want sex to love someone, or even to be in love with someone."

It makes sense, really, for a being with no drive to reproduce to have less interest in intercourse, but he's not going to say that, because he doesn't want to feed into Aziraphale's thinking that romance and sex aren't options. They're always options! Just not options he chooses.

"It's just, the way you look when you talk about him, and the way he acts around you--look, it really reads like a couple courting romantically, and it's wonderful to watch. There's a shortage of sweet things like that in the world."

[sohoangel]

If it's any consolation, Aziraphale doesn't seem genuinely annoyed by the trolling. He's used to it, apparently the sort to attract such tomfoolery. He does appreciate the change in Balthazar's demeanor when he relates his very personal anecdote, although his eyes do narrow briefly at the cough. There's nothing funny about ill-fitting trousers.

"It wasn't brave," he says with a sigh as he pulls out the chair behind his counter and sinks into it. "It was reckless. Oscar was brilliant and charming and witty, but he was human. I can only imagine what Gabriel would have said had he caught me doing that with my Heaven-issued vessel." He finishes off his glass with a gloomy expression on his face. Honestly, what had he been thinking? That clever conversation would translate into physical attraction? He was desperate, is what he was. Crowley was off sulking or sleeping because Aziraphale wouldn't give him holy water, and Aziraphale was so lonely. He had no one to talk to who really understood him. Oscar came close, but...

He reaches for the bottle of whiskey and pours himself another glass. "I realize that over six thousand years of indoctrination can cloud one's judgement, but I've given this a lot of thought over the years. Romance -- with or without sex -- simply isn't for me." And hoping that will be the end of it, he brings the tumbler up to this lips --

Wait. "What do you mean the way he acts around me?" He sets the glass back down and blinks at Balthazar in confusion.

[tryingitall]

There is everything funny about having to create junk to wear trousers properly, and it's a situation Balthazar never had to cope with, being placed directly into an adult human vessel. Aziraphale can bet he'll be bringing that up later.

"Oscar," he repeats, needing a momentary digression from the serious topic. "If you tell me you've snogged Oscar Wilde I'm going to be moderately jealous, even though it didn't work out."

But okay, he doesn't have angelic ADD, he can focus again, knitting his fingers together and laying them across his knees. "As long as you make that decision out of freedom and not fear, I suppose I can't object. You really are sweet together, though. I'm sure even--"

The question makes him break off and tilt his head quizzically. "Admittedly, I don't know him as well as I know you. I've only talked to him with you around, but he's quite proprietary. In a good way, I mean. The way humans are when they're sweet on someone. Sort of a this person is mine attitude?"

He nods up at the giant teddy bear on display nearby. "And of course there's that. He suggested it, I'm sure he's aware that winning toys for their sweethearts is something humans do at fairs and the like. Lucifer and I did the same thing, actually. There's a plush manatee sitting on a shelf somewhere in Hell; take that mental image and run with it. Mine is a rainbow plush snake."

[sohoangel]

There is a look of muted surprise on the angel's face, switfly followed by a displeased nose wrinkle at the word 'snogged'. "Alright then." He brings his glass back to his lips and takes another sip. "I won't tell you." He'll let his complete collection of first editions speak for themselves.

That coyness falls away when the subject shifts to Crowley's behavior, replaced with genuine innocence as if he's learning about all this for the very first time. "Oh, but... but that's just Crowley being Crowley. He always acts like that." Sort of. The demon is a bit more open with his affection now that Heaven and Hell can't do anything about it. But it's a platonic affection, right? Right.

There's another nose wrinkle at the mention of Lucifer, perhaps in combination with the plush snake. "Well, that's... very cute that you exchanged stuffed animals, but that's not limited to sweethearts. This isn't the first time Crowley's gotten me something. Food, usually, or a nice bottle of wine. He got me chocolates when I first opened my shop, and of course there's the time he rescued my books when those dreadful Nazis double-crossed me. And I've taken him out for meals plenty of times. I assure you, it's quite normal behavior for us."

He sits there, perfectly content in his reasoning, like he has absolutely no clue what that sounds like to anyone else.

[tryingitall]

"Damn it, you lot who work in the field have all the fun!" Balthazar flings himself back in his chair expressively and claps a hand to his forehead. "You have no idea how lucky you are to have spent so much time in the world! Or perhaps you do, given all you went through to save it. Urgh, I want all the details later."

Meanwhile, he's not sure how Aziraphale can have lived amongst humans so long, have watched their cultures grow and establish little details like this, and still be so dense about his demon picking them up and turning them on him. He curls his tongue against the roof of his mouth to keep from calling the other angel something untoward, albeit affectionate, that might ruin the calm nature of this conversation. He has to take a breath and rub his temples, collecting words.

"That's Crowley being Crowley towards you. Have you known him to ply anyone else with chocolates and wine? Do you take people out for meals the way you go out with him? Aziraphale, darling, I'm not saying this couldn't be purely platonic, but it's a spot-on reflection of human dating behavior. Which you've apparently been doing for, what, millennia?"

"Have you considered perhaps discussing this with Crowley? I don't know what goes on in his head, but it's possible you don't entirely, either, and whether you mean to be lovers or best friends you should be on the same page."

[sohoangel]

Balthazar's reaction draws a smile out of Aziraphale -- fleeting, but amused. "I consider myself very fortunate to have met many creative humans, or at least witness them at their craft firsthand. They are here and gone so quickly..." With a sober expression, he sets down his glass and adds quietly, "I was with him when he died. Whatever I was incapable of feeling for him, he was as close as I've dared let a human mean to me. There have only been a few like that, over the years."

Crowley once asked him how someone as clever as he is could be so stupid, and though it was said in a fit of pique, the demon wasn't all that far off the mark. The way the angel achieves it is through a denial so intense that Freud could have written an entire series of books about it. Despite this, there is a genuine flash of panic in his eyes when Balthazar brings up the idea of talking to Crowley about things, and he shakes his head rapidly at the suggestion.

"Why on Earth would I -- what is there to discuss with him? Crowley, old chap, it appears that Balthazar thinks you're courting me? Because I can assure you, if he had any sort of feelings for me in that regard, he would have told me. He was the one who initiated our Arrangement, he was the one who called us friends when I was too afraid to admit the same, if he had any sort of romantic intentions towards me, he'd have no reason to keep quiet about that, either."

You go too fast for me, Crowley. Aziraphale's own words come back to him suddenly, like an accusatory ghost. And like a ghost, he pales a bit as he remembers them, his lips pressed tightly together.

"L-look, this... why are we even talking about this? The whole reason we came over was because of your relationship. Crowley and I are doing just fine. There's no need to start poking at a perfectly good friendship."

[tryingitall]

Balthazar's demeanor softens as Aziraphale speaks of Oscar Wilde. He nods slowly, but with evident complete agreement. It sounds a lot like the way he relates to Levi, in fact. Even where angels and mortals are concerned, like sometimes calls to like. Levi is his True Vessel because they just fit, and if Aziraphale's world required angels to have vessels, perhaps the same would have been true of him and Wilde.

And maybe Oscar Wilde would have been better able to talk sense into him than Balthazar seems to be doing. He sighs. "They get frightened too, you know. Fallen or not. Maybe the Fallen are even more frightened, in a sense, than we can be, because they've been burned, figuratively and literally."

"You've not seen it in Lucifer, of course. I'm not sure he'd thank me for commenting, honestly, but for all his power and cleverness and age and all he's seen, he's shockingly sensitive. Maybe not delicate; I have a feeling he's been broken and pulled himself back together so many times it's old hat to him by now, and that's not frailty. I don't know what it is, but it's not frailty. But he's suffered, and I could hurt him terribly if I tried."

He shakes his head. "It's not my business, I suppose, what you and Crowley do or don't do. I just don't want to see you go through what I've gone through. I've loved a lot of other angels, passionately, even romantically. They've always been the ones who left because Heaven wasn't enough. And I wonder sometimes if I could have prevented that, if I'd been more stubborn, more assertive, more forthcoming and less afraid. The entire fate of my world might have unfolded differently, and maybe not for the better, but I'll never know now."

[sohoangel]

Oscar would have told him to go for it, no doubt, but Oscar was not a careful person, and he suffered for it. Besides, Heaven would have punished Aziraphale if he had -- not that he would have, and Crowley wasn't around then, anyway, so --

It's tempting to disagree. To argue that he's only seen Crowley afraid once, when Satan was about to come to the surface and start his own personal Armageddon, otherwise he saunters and swaggers through life with a confidence that Aziraphale can only dream of. (And once was fortunate enough to replicate.) But, on some level he knows that's not true. Especially when Balthazar so eloquently describes Lucifer's hidden qualities. It gives him pause, makes him look at the other angel in quiet surprise.

This isn't entirely about him, he realizes. The thought is oddly comforting, and he relaxes in his seat a little, drink in hand, his expression clearing.

"I understand, Balthazar. I do. I remember how Crowley sounded when he thought I'd died. It was..." His brows pull together, his lower lip trembling a touch at the memory. "I'll never leave him again. Ever. Maybe that's not how best friends traditionally operate, but that's how it is for us. We're... what's the human phrase? Ride or die? Something like that. You have my word on it."

[tryingitall]

It's not entirely about Aziraphale, no. Not by a long shot. Balthazar is thinking not only of Lucifer, but also his relationship with his own siblings, especially Castiel. If Aziraphale were to see them together, in fact, he might even become aware of some distinct behavioral parallels; Balthazar playing the role of banana man to Castiel's earnest and duty-bound straight man act. And what Balthazar knows about himself is that he has been in love with Castiel for centuries, but fully aware there was nothing to be done about that. Too straight laced, Castiel would never have gone in for a romance in Heaven, and now he's dead set on humanity as a whole, the Winchesters specifically, and one Winchester in particular.

His ego hates that he's lost to a human, of course, and he'd be lying if he claimed he wasn't hurt in a number of complex and multilayered ways, but even before meeting Lucifer at the fair he'd mostly accepted it. It wasn't the right time then, it isn't the right time now, and it was never going to be the right time.

The fault is not in our stars, but in ourselves.

He's finding someone he actually does fit with, now. Even if it's the absolute last angel he'd have expected to fit with, it's there and it feels right. He'd just like to spare both Aziraphale and Crowley some of the harder lessons he's learned, particularly since he's aware he's been lucky, damned lucky, to be caught by a loving devil when he fell from Grace.

"All right," he says with an oddly gentle smile. "I've said my bit. You do that, and keep what I've said in mind, and--however it is you love him, you make sure he knows it."

[sohoangel]

Ah, the L-word. Funny how much that thought flutters inside him, like a wayward dove. "I try," he replies, neither confirming nor denying the scope of his feelings. He casts a glance at the teddy bear and smiles fondly. "He too often beats me to the punch."

His attention returns to Balthazar and that gentle smile. "You're the only angel I know who knows what it's like to love," he confesses. "Not the love that we extend to all of God's creation, but personal love. My Heaven is so cold, Balthazar. Gabriel and the others, they'd never understand what I feel for Crowley, or anyone else I cared about."

His gaze flicks down briefly at his glass, but doesn't feel the need for another drink. "Our worlds are different, but I'm glad that we have that in common."

[tryingitall]

The smile on Balthazar's face fades at Aziraphael's confession, and he nods slowly. "Like marble statues. No desire, no compassion...bleached tombs filled with nothing but bones."

He loves the Host anyway, because they're his family. Sometimes love is the same as pain.

"I think angels are just another kind of monster," he adds. "Setting aside our proximity to the Divine--or maybe because of that. We carry the very breath of Creation within us, and what to we do with it? We kill things. Mortal things, immortal things, one another..." His gaze has gone distant and grim. Haunted.

"I'm over five hundred million years old, Aziraphale. And nothing, not a thing, I've ever done has had half the meaning or given a tenth as much to the world as a five-minute sketch my vessel did with a hangover, before he'd had his morning coffee."

"Don't ask me why we're the exceptions that prove the rule, but it seems we are, you and I. Let me know if you get some insight on what, exactly, to do with that."

[sohoangel]

It's a grim image, but it's one he can't entirely argue with. Especially not after the final days of his near Armageddon, when the archangels showed their true colors and he finally stopped pretending that they wanted anything other than the ultimate holy war.

But his own turmoil pales in comparison to Balthazar's, who has clearly given this much more thought. Maybe because his world is that much bleaker, or maybe because he's had more time to think about things. Either way, it hurts to see his friend like this, and without over-thinking it, he gets up off his chair and walks over to the other angel to put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"My dear boy, you matter much more than you could possibly know." He gives Balthazar's shoulder a squeeze, his sigh speaking of his own troubled thoughts. "I don't know why we are so different from the rest of the Host. I'd say it's our time among humans, but even before Eden, before the Fall, I felt..." He trails off, thinking back to that time before time technically existed. "I didn't have the words for it, but I wanted a friend. I almost wish that I knew Crowley back then, but I think it would have been too heart-breaking to see him again afterwards. I'm glad that I know him now, as he is. I'd like to think he was like us before the Fall."

[tryingitall]

Balthazar blinks at little at the comforting hand. Usually when he gets grim, someone changes the subject. Except for Lucifer who seems to either angst with him or pull him into a romantic embrace. A friendly touch on the shoulder is different, and much appreciated, and his tension dissolves.

He smiles up at the other angel, wry with the mutual understanding of grief between them, but warm. "I haven't spent nearly as much time among humans as you have, though. I don't know, maybe every organized system needs a few outliers like us to keep it from being stagnant. Maybe...maybe there's some hope in that."

He's going to have to think about this one, long and hard.

"I always wanted to love and be loved," he says, tilting his head. "In whatever ways were available. Family, friends, lovers. They're all precious."

[sohoangel]

This isn't a subject that Aziraphale discusses much, if at all. Not even with Crowley. He's only beginning to process those six thousand years of what was essentially a toxic work environment, but he won't let Balthazar think that he's alone when it comes to this. He returns the wry smile with one of his own.

"I think there's a great deal of hope in that. And I think you'll find that hope only grows the more time you spend around humans." He pats Balthazar's shoulder a final time before letting go and returning to his seat, which has somehow moved closer to Balthazar's chair, within arm's reach. Technically a miracle, but the passive kind that comes from an angel who anticipates inanimate objects being there when he needs them.

"I'm very happy to call you my friend," he tells him. "And Crowley is, too. I think it's very exciting for him to know another angel who isn't a sanctimonious blowhard." That's not the phrase that Crowley used, but Aziraphale doesn't like to repeat foul language. "He's, ah... he's not happy about Lucifer's presence in the Nexus. I wouldn't expect him to keep as open a mind as I am."